did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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