Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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