yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
