I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
The best revenge is premature balding
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
