We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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