I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
of course. lets lasso hookers.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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