Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
