You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
