I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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