Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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