I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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