Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
