Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize