It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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