What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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