Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
