he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
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