I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
