Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
