If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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