anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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