made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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