I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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