1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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