i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize