i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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