He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
