Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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