Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
