This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
