i used baking grease as lip gloss
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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