Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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