Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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