Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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