we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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