Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
