Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
