I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
