he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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