and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
