"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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