we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
