When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
You have to summon your inner elephant
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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