True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
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