Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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