Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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