i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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