Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
