dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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