Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Randomize
