If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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