Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
