Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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