I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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