I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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