Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
