I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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